IN MY F**KING FEELS (WITH A SIDE OF MUM GUILT)

Today is emotional. We leave our home in two days and England in three.

 

As I sit surrounded by boxes, again, my heart is simultaneously sinking and leaping.

 

There are three days of this life left. A life I will visit but will no longer inhabit and three days until my new life. Where I will fizz with new connections, possibilities, language (love)? *I'm the eternal optimist so why not put it out there!

 

There are three days left of this life and all that bullshit negative talk that I've silenced for the last few days....turns out it was just holding on to come double hard today!

 

This morning we said goodbye to our cat. So not only did I have to put my sadness to one side to support my very sad kid through this but that old judgmental voice started up its old BS again.

 

It's the one who says, "why can't you just be 'normal?'. Why can't you give your kid that one-bedroom-his-whole-life life? The kind where everything stays the same and he doesn't have to do goodbyes and changes, why can't you just be her?". And it's a hard one because some days I do just want to be 'her'. Someone who can pull the odd sicky and stay in bed. Someone who doesn't have to say quite so many goodbyes in one short lifetime. Someone who can buy things bigger than a suitcase without wondering how she'll sell it again when the time comes.

 

But, that old voice will always have something to say maybe if I was 'her' it'd be whispering, "why can't you dream bigger, take that leap, live your life without fear". And maybe I am the same-bedroom-your-whole-life-life. Maybe to him, I am the home that never changes? (Thanks Kay, you just voice noted me this, love you x).

And, if our kids do choose their parents, then I guess mine was up for an adventure so, let me put this guilt to bed, for today at least.

 

There are three days left of this part of my life and I am choosing to embrace the thrill (not the chill).

 

There are three days left of this part of my life and I am exactly where I am supposed to be…